I started running again last week. It had been nearly three months since last I did (probably about the same time I stoppped writing here). I told myself it was to clear my mind, to stretch my legs, and to pick up the broken pieces of my life lately. I had stopped running soon after I found out David and I were expecting our sixth child. I did not plan on running again until October or even November. But things have a way of changing... It has been two weeks since our Dathan was born. Dathan was born at 18 weeks gestation (5 1/2 inches long and 1.9 ounces), though he probably died a week or even three before. He was no bigger than my hand, had the features of his brothers, Samuel and Jacob, and is dearly missed (though I knew him not). What I am left with now are "memories" of the weekend he was born and ALL the "what ifs" or "nevers"... I call these my "shadows".
I think... I think I am okay with "how" he looked. I was so unprepared with his appearance when he was born. I still at times feel terrible that I found my Dathan "disgustingly" beautiful. I am ashamed that part of me does not want to look at his pictures from the hospital. I forgot that he would still be developing (though a part of me knew it as I ALWAYS studied the doctor's office charts with each child I carried, marking off in my head the progress made in the womb). I think what threw me was his coloring and "texture" of his skin (if that is what it was)... the "pics" on the charts ALWAYS portrayed a developing baby as the "color" of a newborn. And Dathan did not look like the pics. But he was (is) God's child. And having the features of his dad and brothers is what pulls me from this shadow.
I think... I think I am done struggling with the "why". It is not meant for me to know. What I NEED to know and remind myself is that he is safe in heaven with OUR savior and other loved family members. I have NO IDEA how to answer the question of how many kids I have. I'll have no memories of Dathan except that the excitement he created when we found out he was on the way into our family and when he was born. I know Dathan is loved and cared for in Heaven, but Dathan, "my" Dathan, is not here with me. I will not rock him, will not quiet him when he is upset, will not feed him, or will not watch him grow. I will not get after him for getting wild just before David comes home like I do with the other kids. I will not be able to tuck him in at night. I will not.. I will not... I will not... Alright... maybe I am still running in this shadow.
But in all of this there is ONE thing I know about shadows... they cannot be formed unless there is LIGHT. Light, when blocked, leaves a shadow. Death is dark. It stands in the way. It comes and goes for any number of people throughout a day. It casts a shadow on ALL of life. HOWEVER... there is ALWAYS, ALWAYS light. It NEVER leaves. My God will NEVER leave me or forsake me. He is my LIGHT. He is Dathan's LIGHT. Dathan will never have to fear the shadows about him. God led him directly to the light of love and holds him there until I "get out of the shadows". God leads me through the shadows so that I can see and feel His presence... HE gives me glimmers of his compassion and love so that I do not focus on the dark shadows around me. He keeps me running towards the light. Praise God!
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