A Look at the Race of Life

On Sunday I ran the Chicago Half Marathon with nearly 20,00 people. While some would more than likely disagree that the Chicago Half Marathon could hardly look and feel like the road to heaven, the more I think on it I'd have to disagree. Imagine lining up with thousands of people. And because of the amount of people, you are all starting out at different spots according to where YOU THINK you'll finish. In fact from where I stood in line, it took 15 whole minutes to make it to the actual starting line. To my knowledge, I knew only one other "racer"(My sister in law, Jess, also ran). We had communicated via cell phone about 15-20 minutes before the race with hopes of meeting up in "our" starting line/ division. But there were just too many people to find her.

Now during this race I wanted to sing and pray like I did during my last half marathon, but I found there were too many distractions. When I did "remember" to, my prayers and songs were short and did not follow one right after another. While I knew God was with me each step of the way, I just could not keep the intense focus I desired on him. But what did keep me going was the encouragement I felt along the way-- prayers from people back at home, prayers of a husband somewhere along the route, and knowing all I had to do was finish before the end of the race (3 hour time limit, which was about 13 minutes a mile). I felt really good through the first 4-5 miles, had a good push going for me really. I watched the eventual "winners" pass me on the opposite side of Lakeshore Drive. Those of us who had no chance at winning cheered each of them on with gusto as we plugged along

By mile 8 or 9 or so, I was fatigued and wishing for every mile marker to pass by quickly. At times I needed to walk and sometimes I pushed through when I thought I couldn't. People called out to me from time to time along the sides to encourage me, sometimes even using my name (which was printed above my race number on my bib). That was motivation. There were bands along the way, signs from others' loved ones to cheer them on and always someone to encourage us. The race provided us with water and even misting showers to refresh us at various points along the way. And like life, some runners fell by the wayside whether from fatigue or heat, lack of water, etc. Most of the time, there was someone nearby who helped them or was able to get word to medical staff. The fight in me, however, just could not relent and be forced to quit. There was something "greater" to push for I thought.

The last mile was "torture" because I knew I was so close and yet so VERY far away. My feet and legs were tired and ready to stiffen if I even had half a thought about stopping. In fact, I was walking A LOT more of it than I really desired to. David found me at the quarter mile mark. I had barely enough push left in me. But knowing it was just a little more, I began to run/ hobble again. When I crossed that finish line, it was exhilaration. I completed the race nearly six minutes faster than the last half marathon I ran and a split second better than the time slot I lined up in at the start of the race. Receiving my "finisher" medal brings yet a smile to my face... I did it. The other thing that was the best.. finding my sister in law after the race was completed. I walked through the gates on my way to where David and I agreed to meet when I heard my name called... it was Jess :) She too had completed the race. I had watched for her the whole race and never found her. She was ahead of me the whole time, but yet God in His most infinite wisdom allowed us to meet up when we least expected it. Isn't that how it often is in this life? :)

I was able to accomplish this "feat" because I knew someone else was going to "win". I was just "asked" to complete what was in store for me, despite EVERY challenge I faced while training and running the race. And now a few days after I cannot help but think on the pure jubilation of completing the ULTIMATE race. With people watching, cheering me on, encouraging me in song and word, refreshing me when I need it most, battling through whatever lies ahead of me, knowing that I will one day again meet up with others I know (and some I do not) are running with me (but not always in my line of sight), I can and will complete the race laid out before me. Hallelujah!

Running Amongst the Shadows

I started running again last week. It had been nearly three months since last I did (probably about the same time I stoppped writing here). I told myself it was to clear my mind, to stretch my legs, and to pick up the broken pieces of my life lately. I had stopped running soon after I found out David and I were expecting our sixth child. I did not plan on running again until October or even November. But things have a way of changing... It has been two weeks since our Dathan was born. Dathan was born at 18 weeks gestation (5 1/2 inches long and 1.9 ounces), though he probably died a week or even three before. He was no bigger than my hand, had the features of his brothers, Samuel and Jacob, and is dearly missed (though I knew him not). What I am left with now are "memories" of the weekend he was born and ALL the "what ifs" or "nevers"... I call these my "shadows".

I think... I think I am okay with "how" he looked. I was so unprepared with his appearance when he was born. I still at times feel terrible that I found my Dathan "disgustingly" beautiful. I am ashamed that part of me does not want to look at his pictures from the hospital. I forgot that he would still be developing (though a part of me knew it as I ALWAYS studied the doctor's office charts with each child I carried, marking off in my head the progress made in the womb). I think what threw me was his coloring and "texture" of his skin (if that is what it was)... the "pics" on the charts ALWAYS portrayed a developing baby as the "color" of a newborn. And Dathan did not look like the pics. But he was (is) God's child. And having the features of his dad and brothers is what pulls me from this shadow.

I think... I think I am done struggling with the "why". It is not meant for me to know. What I NEED to know and remind myself is that he is safe in heaven with OUR savior and other loved family members. I have NO IDEA how to answer the question of how many kids I have. I'll have no memories of Dathan except that the excitement he created when we found out he was on the way into our family and when he was born. I know Dathan is loved and cared for in Heaven, but Dathan, "my" Dathan, is not here with me. I will not rock him, will not quiet him when he is upset, will not feed him, or will not watch him grow. I will not get after him for getting wild just before David comes home like I do with the other kids. I will not be able to tuck him in at night. I will not.. I will not... I will not... Alright... maybe I am still running in this shadow.

But in all of this there is ONE thing I know about shadows... they cannot be formed unless there is LIGHT. Light, when blocked, leaves a shadow. Death is dark. It stands in the way. It comes and goes for any number of people throughout a day. It casts a shadow on ALL of life. HOWEVER... there is ALWAYS, ALWAYS light. It NEVER leaves. My God will NEVER leave me or forsake me. He is my LIGHT. He is Dathan's LIGHT. Dathan will never have to fear the shadows about him. God led him directly to the light of love and holds him there until I "get out of the shadows". God leads me through the shadows so that I can see and feel His presence... HE gives me glimmers of his compassion and love so that I do not focus on the dark shadows around me. He keeps me running towards the light. Praise God!

Love MUST Be Sincere

I heard this last week at a cousin's wedding. It was the focus of the minister's meditation based on a verse from Romans 12. There was a part of me that wanted to say "Duh"! But as I learned more of what "sincere" means, it hit me that sincerity is what I am aiming for in my house lately. Why just say "I Love You"? It is time to "mean it".

The minister described being sincere by taking us back to an earlier version of this text. To be sincere means not to dissimulate. Yep... I was lost too until he explained it with a couple of analogies. To be dissimulated means to make it look like the real thing. For instance, test pilots use simulators to test out their skills or test new equipment. Astronauts work in simulators until launch day to make sure their skills meet the necessary requirements. Training runs get me prepared physically for a race, but speak nothing to my mindset or adrenaline that I have pumping through me when actually running in a race on race day.
All of these have the appearance of the real thing. Dissimulation is merely a show. There is no what ifs in a simulator. There is no depth of understanding when just going through the motions. There is no chance at growth. There is no need for working through stress or tension when trying something out or going for a test run.

With these thoughts in my head, I have been trying to look for ways to demonstrate my sincere (honest, whole hearted, unadulterated) love for my family. While I do not necessarily question my sincerity, I do wonder if the depth of my love for them is evident by the things I do. I have a tendency to let David pick up my slack when he is around. I have often joked that he is a better housekeeper than I am. It is true, but in some respects it does not have to be so. Why shouldn't he come home to a house that has at least been picked up or, dare I even say, vacuumed? When we were first married I made his lunches, but somewhere along the way I got bored with it. And I stopped altogether. Believe me when I say that for the last few years I have felt bad for him as I watched him race around the kitchen trying to throw something together as I "watched". It wasn't until a few months ago that I resumed this "chore" only for the simple reason that I wanted to show him I truly loved him and appreciated the sacrafices he makes for the kids and myself. Now I know I could be doing a WHOLE LOT more for the man besides a picked up house and a sack lunch. But if I did not start with the little things, where would I start?

And how do I love my kids sincerely? I am trying to make "more time" for them. I should not be "too busy" to rock with one, talk about one's day, pretend with them, or even stand outside of the bedroom door and listen to them play. Maybe even try to not jump down their throats when something goes wrong. Listen before I speak and love through my discipline. This is what I want to have them remember me for and not necessarily the ogre I can often be. I need to take a lesson from God who may want to reach down and throttle me from time to time, but instead guides me with His gentle hand and spirit.

The little things need to be evident in following my savior as well. Do I consciously make time for Him in prayer? Do I pay attention when I read His word? Do I search for deeper meanings or try to make the connections in living out His directives? Do I watch the world around me for better ways to serve Him and my neighbor? Sincerity should not be my second nature. God created me to be like Him-- His was an unstinting devotion that took on the nature of a servant to show the depths of his love. Anything less would allow me the hope of a life in heaven with Him. By practicing sincerity in little ways (but also in ALL ways), I am hoping that very little is dissimulated in me.

Parenting IN the Word

It's part of my desire to "parent" intentionally, or like I mean it. After talking with a friend the other night, I realized just how much more I need to and could do. Being "the" mom is more than making sure they have a lunch, get to bed on time, making sure they are fed, have their homework done, etc. It is making time for them in ALL aspects and not letting someone else lead them.

A friend and I were discussing our kids' Christian education the other night. And she opened my eyes (though in my heart I knew I was not very good at it) to the fact that I LET school and church take the lead in directing my kids and their faith. Sure the kids and I have discussions about God and His working in the world, but I hardly ever really sit down with them to read scripture, let alone memorize it. For us getting through a meal is sometimes a challenge in itself. Keeping them at the table for another 10-15 minutes to read devotions might be torture on all of us. I know, I know this sounds awful. Mind you we still have Bible bedtime stories. And the kids hate it when we talk about foregoing it on a certain night because of the late hour or if they had fallen alseep before the reading could be done. But when my oldest learned to read, my husband and I let him take over the evening bedtime Bible story reading to his siblings. The other kids tended to listen to him more and there was less raucous behavior without us in the room. It was also cool to just stand outside the door to watch and listen to him lead prayers. Besides the cursory "Now I lay me..", the kids began to really include their own thoughts and petitions for others.

As my kids age I know they need more than just an evening Bible story though to really grow their faith. Like most things in my life, I often do not know where to begin. The kids are given verses to memorize in school, and apparently the kids are doing well with them as their teachers have given them good marks since they started school. But have I REALLY gone over them with the kids, except to ask them "Do you have your Bible memory learned?" And how in the world do I do that with multiple kids and mulitple verses? And when? I can barely help each with homework, let alone settling down for some heartfelt memorization and explanation about Bible verses. I just started going over spelling words with my oldest two children, how can I fit Bible memory into those short hours between when they get home and bedtime along with supper and baths?

Now I'll admit I felt guilt and admiration when my friend told me what she now does with kids. They make it a part of the family devotions at night after supper. They read the Bible and then go over each child's verse for the week. So each child is not only learning their own verse, but also their siblings' verses. And everybody gets help learning them whether they want that help or not. My friend then went on to say that the practice worked out well until she realized that the kids are not in school each week. It was then that she picked out verses for the weeks the kids were not in school. Here is where the guilt set in for me... we do not do after supper devotions, let alone learn the kids' memory work with them. Talk about feeling like a lousy parent.

But at the same time, I have hope. This is my starting point... a chance to bring my children closer to our Maker and a faith firmly grounded in Him. Maybe now (starting tonight) we make the time to learn about God together and grow in faith and love.

When in the race called LIFE...

It occurred to me recently that the life I lead in Christ is not that unlike a road race. And while I have only run in two road races, they both had at least one thing in common... I had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA of where I was going, but I knew the finish line was at the end. Before the races started, I consulted as much info online about the races, including studying the the maps provided by the race directors. And while they looked "reasonable", I was still clueless as to what the areas surrounding the streets looked like. My biggest fear in running the races was that I would make a wrong turn along the way and become completely lost or become disqualified for my "stupidity".

The directors promised lots of road signs (mile markers, arrows, even painted on trails if need be), countless spectators cheering me on and medical help should I need it. But I was still unsure... would it all be enough? All those things are well and good, but there is always a "mis-step". I read about a young woman once who signed up and trained to run in a 5K race but because of her own mistake ended up running a whole 25K. Or what if I made a wrong turn and ended up in a "bad" neighborhood? What if it wasn't bad and I was just too shy or oxygen deprived to ask for help? What about starting out the race in the dark or "extreme" cold or heat?

With all of these questions lingering despite my re-checking of the Frequently Asked Questions section, I made a decision. My goal was to make sure that I followed the crowd in such a way that I would not lose my way. Surely over 100 or even a 1000 people would not make the wrong turns. However that meant that I may have to run at a pace that I was uncomfortable with or even dare I say walk like some others. Who would want to walk in a road race? Not that I thought any less of them, but I had trained and trained hard. Walking was "beneath" me unless I absolutely had to or so I thought. Maybe following the crowd was not a great idea, but what other choice was there?

With the races underway, I learned valuable lessons. At times I did find myself running alone, because I am more of a turtle than a hare when it comes to running. Walking wasn't a bad thing; it was self-preservation!! And ya know what? That's okay...'cause I was a part of something bigger than myself, walking or running with or without the crowd. And yes, there was plenty of help along the way... road signs galore allowing me to check off the mileage run and look forward to what lay ahead, arrows telling me where to turn and when, people offering encouragement through cheers along the sideleines or even with that needed cup of water or Gatorade, another runner to follow or keep pace with, maybe even someone to talk with a little to give us the nudge to keep it up or to discover how far they had come. By the time I could see the finish lines, I was trying to muster every ounce of energy I have left to finish strong-- pure adrenaline!! I learned also another valuable lesson-- though the finish line is up ahead, NEVER start trying to sprint before you can! There is not enough adrenaline in the world to keep up the pace for the distance you have to go. The eyes are deceiving sometimes. The finish line will not move, so BE PATIENT.

As I follow God, I know not the plans laid out for me. I do not know where my finish line is or even how far I need to run. I don't even know how much stamina I have to endure the obstacles that lay ahead. But these I do know... He doesn't let me run by myself; He has provided me with safety in my journey; He will direct each step I take; He will provide me with the nourishment and sustanence I need to endure; He has provided me with a map (His word) though the roads are still unknown; He has placed people in my life to cheer me on from the sidelines or even to run or walk alongside of me to help me keep my focus; the list goes on and on. What drives me to finishing this life race is knowing that someone else accomplished it first. Thank you, Jesus, for paving the way for me in this life race! You have made all of the challenges so much easier to face when I have you as my guide!

The sweetest thing about a road race for me is making it to that finish. To say that the race has been accomplished despite some trials in training or the fears of the unknown throughout the race is an AMAZING feat. What was cool about the finish at the Grand Rapids Half Marathon is that as I crossed the finish my name was announced and the race director was there to give me hand shake and congratulate me on my accomplishment. I can only imagine the greeting God (Christ) gives us at Heaven's gate as we mark the end of life race. Praise God as I cannot wait to fall into His arms with my race completed!

A Life in Need of Change

One might wonder how or why this blog came to be. I think it is here I can put into words some of the things I think about... family and activities, my running and training, God... There is a strong part of me that wants to connect to God here and maybe even have others connect to God by reading this. And so I begin my quest... to do things because I "mean" them.

I ran my first half marathon last October. Not in record setting time by any means. My goal was to finish and run at least half of it. That was something MAJOR too for me as I did not run the whole week or more prior to the race due to pain in my legs while near the end of my training. My prayer had been that whole week I rested that I would be able run SOMETHING. And because I ran it on a Sunday, I also decided a number of weeks before that I wanted to "run with God." I wanted to sing praises while I ran. I wanted to pray while I ran. I wanted to just rest in God's arms for a time while I ran.

Boy... the run was ALL that and MORE! I don't think I have ever been that close to God. Yeah I have felt him move in my life before. I am pretty sure I have heard His quiet voice before. But there was just something about that day.. it was like I wasn't even troubled. I could have been running on the clouds for all I knew. I was utterly and completely at rest while running with God. I saw him in the world around me in ways I could never have enough words to explain. Fellow racers, the weather, the colors of the falling leaves (which I didn't realize made noise until that day; for a long while I expected some sort of animal to dart across my path) allowed me to REALLY see God for who he is and that EVERYTHING (including me) is truly in His hands. The devoting of myself to God within the context of running a race was life changing that day. It was an experience I would not mind repeating more often.

In receiving my training guide some weeks ago for Riverbank Run 2010, I was intrigued by this year's theme, "Run Like You Mean It". If one didn't want want to run, why bother with all of the training and pain and struggle that go with it? If one did not put into all the time, would the race be worth it all in the end? What does one run for? What's the purpose? I have had lots of reasons why I run-- health, be fit, lose weight.... the list goes on and on with much of the focus being on me. But last October I was able to alter my focus, not only on running but on my life in general.

But now it has hit me.. why do I do most of the things I do? Do I "work" for myself? my family? to be noticed (yeah, sometimes I am THAT vain)? Do I "mean" them? Do I "wife" or love David like I mean it? Do I mother and love my tribe like I mean it? What about my spiritual life? Do I pray, or devote myself to studying the Word, or tell others about God's love like I mean it? Do I put my whole heart into the things I do? It's time... here and NOW! And hopefully this blog will help me look at these "meanings" in a new and better way.